My Light Need, My Dark Desire
by sockospice
Summary: Jeff Hardy has a choice. Should he go for the man he needs, or the man he wants. SLASH


Title: My Light Need, My Dark Desire  
Rating: PG13  
Content: Drug use, angsting  
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters mentioned herein, and make no implications about them. This is a work of fiction, pure and simple, and no profit is made from it.  
Characters: Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Raven  
Summary: Jeff's torn between darkness and light. I'm sure that this idea has been done before, but Jeff's appearance in TNA got me thinking. Written from Jeff's POV

It felt good to be back, it really did. I spent all those months hating being in the ring, hating wrestling and everything to do with it, I guess the time away did me good. In a wrestling sense at least. I feel better, jumping off the top rope doesn't fill me with fear and pain any more. At least not at the moment, although I'm sure my body will break down again. Everything breaks down on me eventually, even myself. I'm kind of wondering if it will be my body or my mind that cracks first though.  
  
I could go back to WWE. I… do I want to go back? Could I face it? All those faces, accusing me, refusing to believe I've changed…  
  
The thing is, they're right. I haven't. I'm still relying on my powders and pills to get me through the day. Just, Jarrett and bookers at TNA don't care, so long as I turn up and put in a good performance. There's no way I'd get away with this in WWE. Drug testing on a regular basis is a condition of my going back. They'd take me, JR's told me so. And Chris…  
  
I'd go back to be with him again. My blond Adonis, my hero, my angel, my… well, he's not mine anymore, not since I left. He told me he'd be waiting, told me that he'd help me get clean, that he'd look after me, whatever it took.  
  
It wasn't enough. His love wasn't enough to keep me away from the only thing that gets me through the day. I wish it could have been. I tried, for a while. It just wasn't enough. I couldn't handle the pressure. He wanted to help me but he ended up smothering me. I'm not a child. I can't be told what to do. I hid what I was doing from him and that hurt him all the more. All he wanted was for me to be honest with him, and I couldn't even do that.  
  
That look on his face when he caught me, it haunts me. He wasn't shocked, or angry, he just realised for the first time that I was beyond help. He realised that no matter how much he loved me and cared for me, it wouldn't be enough to bring me back to the sanity he craved. He realised that I was too weak.  
  
The funny thing is, since I've been home I've been using far less. Not what you'd call clean, but I didn't need chemicals on a daily basis just to function. I used them, but didn't need them. It was more of a habit than a need. I could go a couple of days without. I actually started thinking about wrestling with some form of fondness, so when TNA approached me, I jumped at the chance.  
  
I didn't realise he would be there though, my dark side, my moonlight, my fear and pain. The man who is everything Chris isn't.  
  
Raven and me have a history. When he was in WWE we had a brief relationship, that was too intense for either of us to handle. What started out as casual sex became this dangerous, destructive ride that I had to drag myself out of before one of us ended up dead.  
  
I'm not going to blame that for my drug use. I'd used casually before then, but what was a refuge became a necessity, and I began to fall….  
  
Raven said he wants me back. He's this gloriously sexy, intelligent, exciting man, and he gives me this feeling inside that no one else does. It's like he knows me better than I know myself, answering my questions before I've even asked them, like he reads my thoughts when he stares at me with those intense, piercing eyes.  
  
Trouble is, he has no problem with me using; he does it himself. And if I do go back to him, I'll end up using as much, if not more than I did before. And it won't just be to get me through the day, like it did before, it'll be all the time. Raven's a lot more heavy than I am. I can't keep up with him. And I don't want to go back to relying on drugs to wake up, to get out of bed, to do every simple thing just to get through the day. I can't give up but I don't want to go back there. I don't want to be found dead in my bed with a needle in my arm. At least if I was relatively clean I'd have a chance with Chris.  
  
Raven draws me in though. He draws me into his soul and there's a part of me that needs that. I need that dark side, I need that pain and hurt and raw, animal passion to make my soul feel alive. Chris gives me almost everything I need, but not that. He didn't understand then and he wouldn't now.  
  
To Chris it's just a matter of black and white. If I gave up using, he'd look after me and I'd be happy. It doesn't work like that though. If it was that simple I'd never have started. If there had never been that void to fill…  
  
I wish it could be like that. I'd like nothing better than for it to be like that, for Chris to look after me and for that to be enough. But if I went back, yeah maybe I could get clean, maybe we could be happy for a while, but it wouldn't last, it never lasts. I'd destroy it again, and I'd destroy Chris.  
  
That's one thing I never want to do again. It's why I can't go back. To think that I cause my angel pain, to know when I look into his face that it's me causes that hurt, I hate it, I hate it.  
  
So what do I do? Go back to Chris and seek light, safety and comfort, or return to the lure of Raven, and have excitement, pain and darkness. I can't have both. I need both, but I can't have them. Either way, there'll be a piece of me unfulfilled, a piece of me unhappy, empty. If I stay in TNA and go to Raven, my drug use will spiral out of control and it'll just be a case of whether my mind or body gives up first. If I go back to Chris I'll try to get clean, but I know I'm too weak and I'll end up hurting him again, which is the last thing I would ever want to do. He's better off without me.  
  
I need my darkness as much as I need my light. I can't live fully in either, I have to inhabit that grey area in between, that combination of the black and the white that could be a beautiful place to some but to me is just a prison. If I could just fade into that grey place… if those I love could just fade with me…  
  
If I could just fade away…


End file.
